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Scott Hollifield: A look at a future so gray

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: July 12, 2009

A Census Bureau report released July 6 shows the age-65-and-older population will jump worldwide from 516 million in 2009 to 1.53 billion in 2050 and the 85-and-older group will increase from 40 million to 219 million, which means a lot more people will eat dinner at 4 p.m.

Shoney's, you have been warned.

The report shows how the world's population will be much grayer over the next four decades, and how younger generations must learn to accommodate the needs of those of us who want them to keep off our lawns.

In 2050, I will be, God and organ transplant willing, a spry 85-year-old with a continued lust for life. Unfortunately, due to today's economic downturn, I will still be working at something, perhaps as a museum tour guide telling children what newspapers were like.

"Oh, they were magical things, boys and girls. Made out of real paper, they were. Came from a thing called a tree. You could read all about great war heroes like Beetle Bailey and live your life according to horoscopes, which were never wrong. You could take it to the bathroom with you, line the birdcage with it or roll it up and smack a naughty young 'un. Try doing that with your fancy hologram! You can't smack a naughty young 'un with your fancy hologram!"

"Daddy, the tour guide is scaring me. And he smells like ointment."

Hopefully - God, organ transplant, and rejuvenating brain cell medicine willing - I will also be churning out the occasional column for whatever medium will have me in 2050. Here's how it will probably look:

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD

United Hologram News Service (A subsidiary of the Microsoft/Wal-Mart World Domination Network)

As I've hammered home in this column time and time again over the last 68 years, I've always been a big fan of monkeys, even after the Macaque Rebellion of 2023.

So I'll never understand why Shoney's replaced its genetically enhanced monkey waiters last year with snooty robots who don't know the difference between fish and pork chops.

I stood in line for three hours with the Mrs. - that would be the new Mrs., a top-of-the-line CyberGal 3000 that is much improved over the CyberGal 2000 I traded in last week, which, admittedly, had a lot of miles on her and needed a front-end alignment - to beat the 4 p.m. dinner rush.

I order the fish, and the robot waiter brings me a pork chop.

So I says, "Hey, you bucket of bolts, take this back to the cyber kitchen because I ordered fish."

And he says all snooty-like, "Sir, I beg to differ. My sensors clearly indicate you ordered the pork chop."

So, I says to him, "Hey, you hunk of metal with surprisingly life-like synthetic skin, I didn't lose my left ear in the Macaque Rebellion of 2023 to come in here and spend my hard-earned euros and be talked down to by a robot waiter in front of my new cyborg wife. I'm just glad my daughter isn't here to see this. She's finishing up her junior year of college at the age of 53. Don't get me started on that."

And he says all snooty-like again, "My video components will replay your order word for word, sir."

So I start beating him across the head with a gravy ladle from the buffet until the manager hits me with a freeze ray. Anyway, I left there with a coupon for 15 percent off my next meal.

I just wish they would bring back the genetically enhanced monkey waiters 1.53 billion of us loved so much. Yep, those were the good ol' days.