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Scott Hollifield: Inspiring, motivating and angling for pudding

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: May 14, 2009

As the nation's top newspaper columnist to routinely chronicle the global antics of monkeys and use the colorful term "dog snot" (The New York Times' Maureen Dowd prefers otters and the more politically correct "canine mucus"), I am bombarded this time of year with requests to deliver commencement addresses.

"Dear Mr. Hollifield," reads one that arrived just today. "Due to nonpayment of funds, we regret to inform you..."

Oops. How did that slip in there?

I graciously try to speak at as many of these graduation ceremonies as I can. That is because I believe young people are our future and, in the future, one or more of them may work at the cut-rate nursing home where I will inevitably reside, and I'm angling for extra pudding.

"Remember me? I motivated and inspired you back in ought-nine. Can you hook an old dude up with some tapioca?"

But, due to my demanding journalism work and plans to open a roadside vegetable and fireworks stand to make ends meet in these uncertain economic times, I can't write a different inspiring, motivational speech for each commencement exercise. There simply aren't enough hours in the day, now that the government has reduced them from 24 to 20 to save money.

So, I've written a generic commencement speech in which I make the appropriate choice where indicated - either "a" "b" or "c" - depending on which ceremony I attend. It requires little effort on my part, graduates are inspired and motivated, and I move a step closer to one day happily gumming another spoonful of sweet, creamy pudding.

Here's the speech:

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for that warm welcome. I am humbled by your eight-minute standing ovation. And I am honored to be here today to deliver what I hope is an inspiring and motivational message at your long-awaited graduation from (a. college; b. anger-management class; c. Mrs. Canterbury's third-grade).

Your journey has been a long one, filled with joy and sorrow, laughter and tears and, most memorably, (a. 376 games of beer pong; b. three years of supervised probation and this court-ordered anger-management class; c. the day Billy Simmons got a French fry stuck in his nose and Mrs. Canterbury had to pull it out with a staple remover).

Ah, good times.

But here you are on the doorstep of a new beginning. What awaits you when you leave here today is (a. a soul-crushing job market in which you will be lucky if your degree lands you a job as assistant to the assistant manager in charge of squash and M-80s at my roadside vegetable and fireworks stand; b. the drug screens and warrantless searches that accompany your three years of supervised probation; c. a Mrs. Canterbury-less summer vacation - whoooo!)

What can I say to inspire and motivate you?

Nothing.

That must come from the inside, from down deep within you. You must show the character, the heart and the compassion to someday, years from now, (a. give an old man some extra pudding; b. come on, you can hook an old dude up with some extra pudding; c. where the &%$! is the &%$! pudding?! I want my &%$! pudding! Nurse!)

Each and every one of you should take great pride in your accomplishments. Now, go out into the world and (a. immediately apply for graduate school; b. try not to break anyone else's kneecaps with a Louisville Slugger in the parking lot of a Denny's; b. bet Billy Simmons a dollar he can't stick an entire crayon up his nose).

Hey, grads, now aren't you glad they didn't get Maureen Dowd?

I get paid for this, right?