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Scott Hollifield: Workplace shower has a down side

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: May 21, 2009

Will a midday shower at work result in more creative, productive (and fresher smelling) employees?

Yes, concludes an eight-week study in the United Kingdom. It was conducted by a PR firm representing a shower manufacturer, the combination producing most of today's exciting new scientific breakthroughs.

The UK-based Telegraph reports on its Web site that employees at four businesses - an ad agency, a restaurant, an architecture firm and a lingerie company - took "shower breaks" during the day and recorded a 42 percent boost in productivity and a 33 percent jump in creativity. The study did not measure man hours lost due to slips and falls.

The story quoted ad agency worker Sam Walsh.

"I found that showering gave me some peace and quiet, being away from the ringing phones in the office was great for mulling over ideas," he said. "I even came up with a great new TV ad idea for one of our clients while I was in there."

Well, yes, who doesn't think better while naked and soapy?

But I fear that daily shower breaks, should they become the workplace norm, have the potential to produce an entirely new set of on-the-job problems. Let's look at how the office shower can go wrong.

Supervisor: Steve, can you step into my office? I'd like to talk with you a moment.

Employee: Sure, Mr. Simmons, just let me towel off.

Supervisor: Thanks for coming in, Steve. I need to speak with you about a problem. Todd has complained that you're using his body wash during shower breaks.

Employee: I thought that was the company body wash.

Supervisor: No, Steve, the company stopped providing body wash during the latest round of budget cuts. It was in the memo about the elimination of the pension plan. You're a valued employee, Steve, even without the arresting scent of Desert Essence Red Raspberry. Let's not have this happen again. If it does, we'll have to progress to a written warning.

***

MEMORANDUM.

TO: Steve Smetley

FROM: R. Simmons, supervisor

SUBJECT: Written warning for continued workplace shower violations.

Following your verbal warning last month and your mandatory viewing of the training video "Workplace Showers: It's About Respect," I have not seen sufficient improvement in your behavior. In fact I have noted these incidents:

-- Continued to use Todd's body wash without permission and fill the empty bottle with mayonnaise from the refrigerator in the break room.

-- Sang "American Pie" in its entirety at the top of your lungs during a marathon lathering session, which produced a deafening racket not conducive to productive office work while simultaneously using all the hot water. Todd's subsequent cold shower resulted in teeth chattering that disrupted the conference call.

-- Snapped the VP of marketing on the buttocks with a wet towel.

-- Repeatedly asked Todd to shave your back, despite his objections that it made him uncomfortable.

This is to notify you that if I do not see measurable improvement in your behavior, you will be subject to further disciplinary action, which could include termination.

***

Dear Steve,

As per our May, 29, 2009, meeting, I confirm that your employment with this company has been terminated immediately on grounds of repeated and inexcusable workplace shower conduct.

Despite counseling and efforts to remediate the situation, the incidents outlined in the previous verbal and written warnings have not only continued, but escalated.

In addition to your immediate termination, the cost of the hazmat team response to your latest workplace shower incident will be deducted from your final paycheck.

In other words, Steve, your career has gone down the drain.

Yours truly,

R. Simmons, supervisor

P.S. Todd says good riddance.