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Scott Hollifield: Truckload of money means new old items

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: May 28, 2009

I love a good auction, especially when they clean out a dead guy's house, haul his stuff into the yard and let his friends and neighbors fight over it.

I got a pair of snow tires that way.

At Julien's Summer Entertainment Sale in Las Vegas on June 26-27, there will be no snow tires on the auction block. At least none are listed in the event's press release or online catalogue.

But the memorabilia sale does include more than "700 unique items from legendary Hollywood celebrities and productions - including approximately 150 items from the personal and professional life of Marilyn Monroe and items from the collection of Elvis' personal physician Dr. George Nichopoulos," according to the Julien's Auctions Web site.

Which means, in my home, I could conceivably have Elvis' prescription pill bottles (estimated value, $800 to $1,000 each) sitting on Marilyn Monroe's living room coffee table ($8,000 to $10,000) while I cracked walnuts with Attila the Hun's leg bone. (That's not for sale. I just thought it sounded cool.)

Alas, I have wasted nearly all my money on frivolous items like snow tires, food, a mortgage and car payments, and can afford none of these amazing celebrity treasures.

I can only dream. How would my life be different if a truck backed into the driveway and dumped a load of money and I paid all my bills and then another truck backed into the driveway and dumped a load of money and I socked it away and felt at least somewhat secure about the future and then another truck backed into the driveway and dumped a load of money and I could bid on - and win -- anything I wanted at Julien's Summer Entertainment Sale?

Hmm...

Dear Diary,

Today was a good day, though I am getting somewhat annoyed with the constant coming and going of the money trucks. The last one clipped the mailbox.

I awoke, as I am now accustomed, at the crack of noon and dressed my pet monkey Reginald in a purple two-piece, wool, Western-cut suit worn by Jackie Cooper in an episode of "The Little Rascals" ($200 to $300).

For my attire, I selected the burgundy and gold Vincent Price costume cloak ($1,000 to $2,000), which nicely accented the mustard stain on my T-shirt, and slipped on Bob Hope's brown Florsheim loafers ($100 to $150).

After a hearty breakfast eaten from Marilyn Monroe's copper sauce pot ($800 to $1,000), Reginald and I were off to the pet store for a 50-pound bag of monkey chow.

Unfortunately, Reginald had licked all the residue from Elvis' prescription pill bottles and was in a highly agitated state. When the clerk rejected Marlon Brando's credit card ($200 to 300), even after I produced Bing Crosby's California-issued driver's license ($800 to $1,200), Reginald suddenly pulled from Dr. Nick's medical bag ($4,000 to $6,000) the Walther PPK/S .380-caliber pistol ($4,000 to $6,000) Elvis had given to Dr. Nick and began waving it around wildly.

I subdued Reginald by striking him on the head with Ozzy Osbourne's baroque-style carved and gilded candlestick ($2,000 to $3,000) and bought the clerk's silence with the promise of the gold thong worn by Angie Everhart in the February 2000 issue of Playboy magazine ($300 to $500). We also got our monkey chow.

The blow to the noggin had calmed Reginald considerably, and we returned home to await the money truck and peruse the latest catalogue from Julien's Auctions, hoping that Liberace's diamond-studded snow tires would finally be hauled into the yard.

A man and his monkey can dream, can't they?