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Scott Hollifield: Thankfully, lion attacks now rare in the workplace

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: November 5, 2009

It was a good day at work. I wasn't eaten by a lion.
In 1898, 35 people building the Uganda Railroad across Kenya couldn't say that because they were indeed eaten by lions, according to scientists who studied the remains of two big cats on display at the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago.
In a Nov. 2 story, Associated Press science writer Randolph E. Schmid - who, as of this writing, has also not been eaten by a lion - explains how scientists tested the types of carbon and nitrogen in the animals' teeth and hair to shed more light on an infamous incident over 100 years ago in which two lions ate - by some accounts - as many as 135 workers over a nine-month period and delayed construction of the railroad.
Their research, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, determined that one lion ate 24 people while the other ate 11, far short of the 135 mark but still an impressive feat as far as people eating goes.
The researchers said it appeared the lions often worked as a team, unlike today's Detroit Lions.
"These findings underscore the complexity of what lions are capable of doing, and the complex interplay of costs and benefits that determine the size of their coalitions," anthropologist Nathaniel J. Dominy said in a statement I am sure I would understand better if I had paid more attention in anthropology class.
It also underscores why all of us should be happy we weren't working on the railroad all the live long day back in 1898 because the live long day, for a lot of folks, was considerably shorter due to lions. Aside from zoo keepers and lion tamers, most of us don't have to fear being devoured by large cats at work any more (thanks to the Lion-Free Workplace Act of 1987.)
But what if we did have that to fear? How would companies today handle on-the-job lion attacks? Probably through a series of memos.
TO: All employees.
FROM: Human Resources.
RE: Lion attacks.
As many of you may have heard, several employees were attacked and eaten by lions in the company parking lot Tuesday while taking a smoking break, ending our quest for one million man hours without a lost time animal attack. To prevent further incidents of this nature, we are banning all tobacco use on company property effective today.
****
TO: All employees.
FROM: Human Resources.
RE: Most recent lion attack.
As many of you may have heard, Ted from accounting was attacked and eaten by a lion in the break room Thursday. A thorough review by our safety committee revealed that Ted had been using a new gazelle-scented body wash by Axe, which may have contributed to the aggressiveness of the lion. We would ask that all employees review their body-wash choices in light of this unfortunate turn of events.
****
TO: All department heads.
FROM: Vice president in charge of productivity.
RE: Discontinuation of unapproved lion attacks.
The attacking and eating of employees by lions on company time is having a negative impact on productivity and as a result the profitability of our organization. Effective today, all impending lion attacks must be approved by a supervisor at least two days in advance. Employees who are attacked and eaten by lions may not list this as sick time, but must use any remaining vacation time or take time off without compensation.
****
TO: All employees.
FROM: Human resources.
RE: Doughnuts.
Because we have gone three days without anyone being attacked and eaten by a lion, management will provide doughnuts for everyone tomorrow at 8 a.m. in the newly carpeted break room. Great job everyone! Also, services for Ted from accounting are set for Wednesday at 2 p.m.