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Scott Hollifield: Stolen rack story captivates tiny portion of entire nation

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: October 22, 2009

Last week's column, in which I described in vivid detail the theft of one our newspaper racks, my comically heroic efforts to recover it from behind a grocery store and the debilitating back injury I suffered while loading its remains onto a truck, drew much sympathy from readers.

"Serves you right," said one.

"Considering what's in newspapers these days, they ought to give the thief a medal," said another.

Yes, the public was on the side of a brave, dedicated worker who probably should have paid more attention to the proper-lifting portion of the safety video.

Then Balloon Boy burst onto the scene. A nation watched spellbound as a homemade, helium-filled "flying saucer" streaked across the Colorado sky, purportedly with a 6-year-old child aboard, only to be sucker-punched in a hoax perpetrated by a family - or at least a dad - seeking reality-show fame.

Suddenly, public sentiment turned against me, of all people.

"If Balloon Boy was fake, I bet the inspiring story of that guy recovering a stolen newspaper rack from behind a grocery store was fake, too," said someone I just made up. "Let's destroy him!"

Speculation grew so intense, I was forced to conduct a hard-hitting interview with myself to set the record straight. Here is a transcript:

"Scott, your saga of the stolen newspaper rack captivated an entire nation."

"If your idea of an entire nation is four people in Bristol, Va., Aunt Nell in Winston-Salem and a guy in Pensacola, Fla., who accidentally stumbled across it on the Internet while Googling 'how to steal a newspaper rack,' then, yes, I guess it did."

"Rumors are swirling that you staged the much-talked about incident in an effort to land a reality show in which you and a trained chimp named Professor BoBo would travel the country in a high-tech van solving newspaper-related crimes."

"That's ridiculous. One of our newspaper racks was stolen and I wrote a column about the absurdity of someone stealing a newspaper rack, considering the paltry return on his or her effort. And I hurt my back. End of story."

"Was your 6-year-old son trapped in that newspaper rack?"

"I don't have a 6-year-old son."

"Did you hire a child actor or even a leprechaun to play the person now commonly known in the media as the Li'l Rack Rooster?"

"No. There was no one, not a child, not a leprechaun, trapped in the newspaper rack."

"Are you now saying leprechauns are real?"

"No, I'm saying I didn't hire one."

"Are you now saying when it comes to leprechauns, you have discriminatory hiring practices?"

"Not at all."

"Has the child actor/leprechaun you hired to fool the public into believing your outlandish story had any contact with Balloon Boy?"

"I didn't hire anyone to do anything. I just wrote a column about something that happened."

"So you are saying, unequivocally, that the newspaper rack theft, a story that captivated a very, very tiny portion of an entire nation, was not a hoax?"

"It was not a hoax."

"If bearded CNN strongman Wolf Blitzer asked you if it was a hoax, would you admit that it was?"

"I would not."

"If anyone else with the first name of a ferocious animal asked you if it was a hoax, would you admit that it was?"

"I would not."

"Tiger Woods?"

"No."

"Crocodile Dundee?"

"Not a real person, and no."

"Bear Bryant?"

"Bear Bryant is dead."

"The ghost of Bear Bryant?"

"No."

"Thank you for your time, Scott. Stay tuned for Larry King, whose guests include Professor Bobo's attorney, a first-grader who once made Balloon Boy snort chocolate milk out of his nose and James Carville."

Whew! Glad I could clear that up.