Scott Hollifield: Monkey see, monkey do what now?

What makes Roberto Cabrera nervous?

            A traffic stop by the Maricopa County, Ariz. Sheriff’s Department?

            No.

            Giving the keynote address at the Georgia Tea Party’s Annual Anti-Immigration Rally and Hot Dog Fundraiser?

            No.

            A collect call from Mel Gibson?

            No.

            The unlikely answer is 18 bootleg monkeys squirming around in his girdle.

            Multiple media outlets, some them even reputable, reported that Cabrera was stopped en route from Peru to Mexico earlier this month (it was on a Tuesday or a Friday, depending on which reputable media outlet one chooses to believe) after airport security noticed his bulging middle and his suspicious demeanor, which was described by Mexico’s Public Safety Department as “markedly nervous.”

            If anyone knows “markedly nervous” when they see it, it’s Mexico’s Public Safety Department where the motto “To Serve and Protect” and been replaced with “Duck, Miguel.”

            The six-inch critters Cabrera had stuffed into a girdle and hitched around his middle are an endangered species called titi monkeys. (Insert own joke here.)

            According to The Associated Press, Cabrera told authorities he was carrying the tiny monkeys in a suitcase – which, titi experts tell me, is not their natural habitat – and only put them in his girdle “so the X-rays wouldn’t hurt them.”

            The animal-loving, considerate Cabrera insisted he bought the monkeys in Peru for $30 to keep as pets, but the Christian Science Monitor said the diminutive critters can fetch as much as $1,000 on the black market in Mexico.

            Yes, it’s an amusing tale of airport security profiling chubby, nervous guys who turn out to be international titi monkey smugglers, but no journalist has yet, as far as I know, put two and two together to reveal the sinister element of this story – these monkeys were going to be trained as terrorists.

            Yes, this is a story that will surely earn me the Pulitzer Prize for Wild Conjecture and Outright Lunacy.

            The proof? On July 9, the Web side belonging to the Chinese government-backed The People’s Daily, whose motto is “We report – you decide (and if you decide wrong, you go to a labor camp),” revealed the blockbuster news that Taliban insurgents are training monkey snipers to target American troops at the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

            The People’s Daily showed photos of baboons -- which, titi experts tell me, are considered crack shots in the world of simian marksmanship -- holding rifles and machine guns.

            The monkeys allegedly being trained for terrorist attacks are rewarded with bananas and peanuts, which are actually tastier than some MREs.

            The U.S. military was as tight-lipped about reports of monkey terrorism as it was about recent rumors of jackrabbit jihads.

            NATO spokesman Lt. Col. Todd Breasseale told blogger Jeff Schogol, who tracks down rumors both monkey- and non-monkey related, “We have absolutely nothing that leads us to believe that this tale could be even remotely based in reality."

            There you have it – solid confirmation the Taliban is training a rogue band of heavily armed monkeys to do its evil bidding in the rugged hills of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

            So, is it such a stretch to believe these smuggled titi monkeys were part of the insurgents’ overall monkey terrorism master plan, one that calls for these lovable little furballs to eventually cross the border into the U.S., leap from their courier’s girdle and wreak havoc in a terrifying albeit cute-as-heck orgy of destruction?

            Yes, it’s a stretch. In fact, it’s bat%$# crazy, but I suppose it depends on which reputable media outlet one chooses to believe.

            Me, I simply know this: I will never look at chubby, markedly nervous man at an airport the same way again.

            Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a columnist for the Media General News Service. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.