Nothing plays havoc with a marriage relationship like the depression of one spouse. It can be a gradual impact or it can be a sudden broadside of a marriage that was fun and fulfilling for both partners.
There are two kinds of depression. One is situational depression and the other is clinical depression.
Situational depression can surface over any loss or tragedy. It can be the loss of a job, the inability to get pregnant, the death of a parent or even the death of a pet. Chronic marriage problems that never seem to get better, like reoccurring conflict over the same issues, can lead to situational depression.
You can tell the difference between situational depression and clinical depression when you can detect the source or cause of the depression.
People can get clinically depressed when things are going well in their lives and thus there is no "reason" for the depression. Situational depression responds to exercise, rest, new experiences and conflict resolution, if it is a marital problem. However, many people do not know that situational depression, caused by chronic marital problems, can turn into clinical depression, a much more serious depression.
It is the same pattern I have seen in working with families who have a child with a disorder like autism or Down Syndrome. The depression starts out situational due to perpetual stress and hardship, as parents try to care for a child with special needs. After a while, the situational depression begins to affect the parent's body chemistry. This is the major difference between clinical and situational depression. Another term used to describe clinical depression is "chemical depression," since scientists have discovered an imbalance or malfunction in the brain of clinically depressed persons.
Our brains have a complex network of neurons (nerve cells) that send and receive messages. Each neuron sends chemical and electrical signals, allowing communication within and between neurons. The chemical messages are called neurotransmitters. When they function properly, they regulate all the brain activity, including our moods. When they dysfunction, our moods can depress or accelerate. We call the depressed moods major depression and accelerated moods manic episodes. A combination of both is called a bipolar disorder.
Individuals who get depressed (1 out of every 10 adults) have no control over this chemical malfunction. It is the same medical issue with a person who has diabetes. The body malfunctions. It has always puzzled me that society has a stigma for a depressed person but not for the person whose body does not regulate sugar properly.
The effect of depression on marriage can have devastating consequences. Untreated depression can cause a person to lose interest in life. Things they used to enjoy and take delight in are no longer desirable, including sexual intimacy. The other spouse tries desperately to help his/her depressed mate by encouraging them and suggesting that they snap out of it, think more positively, but all the suggestions are received as criticism and this makes the depression worse. Untreated depression can undermine a marriage and lead to divorce. Depression, on the other hand, is the most successfully treated mood disorder there is. Many marriages can be saved, if the depression is properly treated.
Next week, we will look at the symptoms of depression and how it is treated.
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