Scott Hollifield: God save the Queen from this guy

First Lady Michelle Obama, in her recent European visit, briefly touched Queen Elizabeth in what appeared to be a simple act of mutual affection, setting off a firestorm of controversy about whether or not it is an unspeakable breach of royal protocol to briefly touch Queen Elizabeth in what appears to be a simple act of mutual affection.

The Daily Mail of the UK called it "an electrifying moment of palpable majesté: A breach of centuries-long protocol ..." while Ye Semi-Weekly Towne Crier, if it existed, might have labeled the incident a "cheeky gesture by an insolent member of the colonies that shall be punished by naval blockade."

I was neither shocked nor appalled by the gentle embrace, though I admit most of my embarrassingly limited knowledge of British culture comes from watching "The Benny Hill Show," where it's not only acceptable to briefly touch someone in a simple act of mutual affection, it's perfectly fine to repeatedly slap a short, bald man on the head while Boots Randolph plays "Yakety Sax."

But the global outcry over something so minor has me fearful that should I ever meet the Queen (Note: Our crack newspaper research team has calculated the odds of that happening as roughly equal to those of a hamster winning both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Powerball in the same week), I would inadvertently breach some sort of protocol and find myself under intense media scrutiny.

"SCRUFFY YANK GOOSES QUEEN; NATIONS AT WAR"

So how does someone like me, a member of the great unwashed from across the pond, know what to do and not to do when meeting the Queen? Old ladies frequently want to hug my neck. Do I hug her back and risk a poisoned blow dart from a licensed-to-kill double-O member of Her Majesty's Secret Service?

To answer such important questions of etiquette, I've done extensive research (eight minutes) and put together "The Member of the Great Unwashed From Across the Pond Guide To Meeting The Queen Without Sparking An International Incident: A Few Do's and Don'ts When Encountering British Royalty," which, unfortunately, is a title too long to fit on a book jacket and will seriously hinder my efforts to pen a New York Times bestseller and pay for my daughter's orthodontics.

First, when the Queen enters the room, stand. If the Queen slips and falls on an area rug, do not laugh unless "Yakety Sax" is playing over the Buckingham Palace sound system.

If the Queen extends her hand, touch it briefly. Do not grab it and pull her toward you for a chest bump as if she just hit a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the ninth. The Queen is more of a singles hitter anyway.

Initially, greet her as "Your Majesty." Subsequent addresses can be a bit less formal. I prefer "Granny Liz" but "Maw-Maw Beth" is also acceptable.

If the Queen is kind enough to engage you in conversation, reciprocate appropriately. Some acceptable topics:

-- The weather. ("Fog today with a 100 percent chance of fog tomorrow.")

-- Sean Connery or Roger Moore.

-- Football. (You know, the other kind.)

-- Favorite lines from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

Some topics to avoid:

-- The American Revolution.

-- British dentistry.

-- Why London Bridge keeps falling down.

-- How, in a modern constitutional monarchy, a king or queen is a ceremonial figurehead with very little actual political power save for bestowing honors upon the likes of Sir Elton John.

-- "Yakety Sax."

So, fellow members of the great unwashed from across the pond, follow these steps when meeting the Queen and avoid sparking an international incident.

And even if you do follow these steps, still keep an eye out for poisoned blow darts. Those double-O agents have quick trigger lips.