Scott Hollifield: Rebuking better than a tire tool thumping

In the end, South Carolina lawmakers said Gov. Mark Sanford may be a lying sack of toe jam, but that doesn't disqualify him from holding the state's highest office.

While some called for Sanford's impeachment due to his indiscretions, the House Judiciary Committee voted Wednesday, Dec. 16, to instead issue a "formal rebuke." That means, rather than being tarred and feathered in the town square, he will be slapped across the face with a glove and presented with a resolution reading, "Suh, this august body rebukes you and the horse you rode in on."

By now, everyone knows the story: Sanford put his golfing career and lucrative endorsement deals in jeopardy by cheating on his wife with a series of mistresses. No, wait, that was Tiger Woods. Sanford destroyed any future presidential aspirations he might have had by cheating on his ailing wife with a former campaign worker and possibly fathering a love child. No, I'm sorry, that was John Edwards. Sanford was beaten senseless with a tire tool after his cousin Ray caught him in the parking lot of the Double Deuce making out with Ray's ex-wife Darlene in the back seat of a Camaro. No, that was me. (It's a joke, dear.)

I remember now. Sanford didn't show up for work for a few days and his staff said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail (and we say "Appa-latch-an" not "Appa-lay-shun" in my neck of the woods) while he was actually in Argentina (we say "Argentina" pretty much like everybody else in my neck of the woods) with his "soul mate."

Shortly after the vote to rebuke rather than impeach, Sanford issued an official statement, which The State newspaper in Columbia posted on its Web site. It's a rather dry read, so I've spiced things up a bit by printing portions of Sanford's actual statement and my guess at what he may have been really thinking.

Sanford's statement: "As we continue to address the serious challenges now facing our state, I'd make three brief points."

What he may have been thinking: "Brief ... that reminds me. I left several pairs of briefs in that hotel room in Argentina. I really miss the ones with the tiny ducks on them, but the ones covered in the South Carolina state flag sometimes chafed me as I walked along the Appalachian Trail."

Sanford's statement: "First, I'd like to thank the Committee for its work and deliberative approach today and throughout the process."

What he may have been thinking: "All except for you, Kevin. I saw you doodling on your legal pad, not paying attention, your mind already made up that I'm a big cheater. Wait 'til I tell my soul mate. The next time she sees you, she'll slap the taste out of your mouth."

Sanford's statement: "Second, we'd concur with the Committee's reasonable decision to reject impeachment."

What he may have been thinking: "Yes! Yes! I am keeping my job. Thousands of South Carolinians are out of work, but not me, baby. Heat up some fish sticks, suckers, I'm having filet mignon tonight."

Sanford's statement: "Third and finally, I'd join with Speaker Harrell and other legislative leaders in addressing our state's big picture challenges -- from double digit unemployment to the inefficient and unaccountable structure of state government."

What he may have been thinking: "Speaking of 'big picture,' if I hopped a state plane right now, I could be curled up with the soul mate in front of the high-def at the Hilton in Buenos Aires watching pay-per-view and sipping mini-bar champagne - I mean, hiking the Appalachian Trail - by midnight."

A majority of the South Carolina House and Senate must still vote sometime next year to rebuke Sanford before he is officially rebuked, but it's apparent that a rebuking is imminent.

I think he got off lucky. His wife could have borrowed Ray's tire tool.