Scott Hollifield: What happened to newspapers? They 'blowed" up

Newspapers are in trouble.

I know, because I read about it online. (Ha, ha. That's a funny joke. I'll remember to tell it to the guy beside me at the unemployment office.)

Reporter Robert MacMillan put it this way in a Reuters article on the newspaper industry and possible government intervention: "Newspapers across the country are bleeding revenue and enduring the worst economic climate they have ever faced, similar to automotive and financial giants such as General Motors Corp. and Bank of America Corp."

What happened? Oh, you can read all kinds of theories in countless navel-gazing articles in dozens of newspaper-related publications, but I prefer the answer I once got from a mechanic as we popped the hood on my old pickup truck and both looked down at my non-running, oil-spattered motor.

"What happened?" I asked him.

He looked at me solemnly and spoke the words I will always remember.

"It blowed up."

Yep, it blowed up.

So how do we fix it? (The newspaper industry, not my old pickup truck.)

Automakers and financial institutions are taking government bailout money to stay afloat, but newspapers, long the government watchdogs, are rightfully hesitant to jump into bed with those they should be watching from across the street with a telephoto lens. One scenario:

"Hello, this is Senator Detmyer of the Commerce Committee calling for the editor of the Daily Tribune-Dispatch."

"Speaking."

"Sir, I just wanted to take a moment to tell you personally what an honor and privilege it was to help push through legislation to award your industry, an institution that America cannot do without, $89.5 billion in bailout funds, which will ensure the Fourth Estate continues to produce hard-hitting, non-biased, top-flight journalism for the betterment of this great nation."

"Thank you, Senator, and it is a relief to concentrate on hard-hitting, non-biased, top-flight journalism instead of working at my uncle's car wash on furlough days."

"We're ready with that second round of bailout money, but there is a bit of a problem. It seems one of your journalists has acquired a photo of me wearing nothing but cowboy boots and two oven mitts and ingesting a pile of cocaine large enough to kill a team of pack mules while surrounded by a bevy of high-priced call girls, at least two of whom have gone missing. This kind of publicity would just be bad for the newspaper business."

"Senator, under no circumstances can we kill this story."

"So, how's that car-wash gig this time of year?"

Some are instead looking for government to clear the way for newspapers to operate as nonprofits. When I compare my paycheck to my living expenses, I find this to already be the case. It's not exactly working out.

I personally favor an easing or reinterpretation of antitrust laws. As the Reuters article notes, newspaper companies are afraid to sit down as a group and discuss solutions for fear of being accused by the government of collusion. Let's take away that fear, get everyone in a room and brainstorm.

We'll form the Organization of Newspaper Leaders and Innovators Networking with Executives (ONLINE for short ... uh, maybe we'll get another name). We'll invite all the top newspaper people: publishers, editors, advertising executives, marketing gurus, Beetle Bailey, the ghost of Ann Landers, the horoscope lady, the crossword guy, whoever invented Sudoku, the letters-to-the-editor writer who believes the solution to all the world's ills is a border fence, Crazy Bill who wears a newspaper hat and flashes cars at the interstate off-ramp, the idiot who writes most of his columns about monkeys, that good-looking intern and the unimaginative headline writer who will sum it up in the next day's paper with "NEWSPAPER MEETING HELD."

Blowed up? Yes, it certainly did. But together, you, me, the ghost of Ann Landers, Beetle Bailey, et al, we just may be able to unblow it.