Scott Hollifield: My hot-tub project: Good for economy, better for me

Here's a shovel-ready stimulus project guaranteed to give the sluggish economy a swift kick in the pants: my own federally subsidized hot tub.

And I will be able to take great advantage of it since my company has rewarded me for my hard work this year with 10 extra vacation days. (Note to HR: Someone needs to again explain to Hollifield the difference between "furlough" and "vacation.")

According to a Yahoo! HotJobs report, many economists believe that the $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, more commonly known as Scott's Chance for a Free Hot Tub, will create jobs in six main areas: construction, the green sector, medical-information technology, education, energy and utilities, and government.

My federally subsidized hot-tub project impacts each of those areas in important ways. And, at a sale price of $4,799, my seven-person, 450-gallon spa with a quality heat-retaining synthetic maintenance-free redwood cabinet and interchangeable therapeutic water jets is just a chlorinated drop in the bucket of the overall $787 billion.

Yet it will do so much good in those six main areas. Here's how:

Construction

Hey, this hot tub isn't going to build itself, is it? I'll need the Army Corps of Engineers to come in and map out the whole project, including the location of the tub plus a series of levees to keep from flooding the neighbors in the event of a natural or unnatural disaster. The project will require the government to contract with the security firm Blackwater (which, for public relations reasons, recently changed its name to The Happy Fun Guys) to provide round-the-clock surveillance so no one steals the shovels that are ready for this shovel-ready project. Once the satellite mapping is complete and the bid is awarded to the company providing the largest kickback, actual construction will begin. I estimate six weeks from start to finish, which does include time leaning on shovels that are ready for this shovel-ready project.

The green sector

I'm perfectly comfortable with the government sending Al Gore to my house to tell me how I can better limit greenhouse-gas emissions, but he can't get in the hot tub because of excessive water displacement. I don't want to test the levees too soon. Look, let's be honest. I just want a free hot tub. I'll go green. I'll use recycled hippy bong water and all-natural cleaning supplies if necessary. Just give me a hot tub.

Medical-information technology

Because of my pledge to use recycled hippy bong water and all-natural cleaning supplies, I will inevitably develop a horrific hot tub-related fungal infection. It will be studied by doctors, then photographed and e-mailed around the world with the subject line, "Dude, you are not going to believe this nasty &%#!"

Education

Students, shaken by cell-phone photos of the horrific hot tub-related fungal infection, will demand more anti-fungal information, leading schools to hire additional health teachers.

Energy and utilities

The entertainment industry, looking for another cause to champion, rallies around The Man With Horrific Hot Tub-Related Fungal Infection. A celebrity benefit attended by such A-listers as Sean "Diddy" Combs, Beyonce, Joaquin Phoenix, Miley Cyrus and Gavin MacLeod raises $3.5 million, which covers all medical expenses, four cases of Courvoisier and a pony keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The afterparty moves to my crib, and the power company hires two additional meter readers to watch it spin like a slot machine as we rock it hot tub-style 24-7.

Government

After Gavin MacLeod exchanges gunfire with an unknown assailant in an Escalade, the city puts more cops on the street to "stem the tide of violence associated with the hot-tub element."

There it is. One federally subsidized hot-tub project will put hundreds, if not thousands, of people to work. Mr. President, it's shovel-ready.

In fact, this entire column is shovel-ready.

■ Scott Hollifield is editor and general manager of The McDowell News. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.