Scott Hollifield: And now a word from a corporate spokesperson

This week, I could not help but turn serious for a moment and weigh in on the Supreme Court's landmark decision to allow giant multi-national corporations to spend unlimited dollars on political commercials, a move that many free-speech experts and constitutional scholars say will --

WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN FOR A PAID ANNOUNCEMENT FROM A CORPORATE SPOKESPERSON:

Hi, I'm Tad Hardrock, corporate spokesperson and vice president of synergy for ProBizNEX, a subsidiary of the Xiang Wah Group, a division of PhlimPhlam International, makers of industrial drill bits, fireproof wall paneling and new low-calorie Soy-Rocket sports drink, and silent partners in the ownership of several leading financial institutions.

What you were about to read was yet another "the-sky-is-falling" rant by yet another journalist type who is apparently too stupid to ditch a dead-end career and take a PR job for three times the salary.

Sad, really.

Listen, folks, allowing corporations to exercise their First Amendment rights and spend insane amounts of money on political commercials isn't a bad thing. For one, the commercials will get better. How many times have you had to endure some old guy staring at you from the flat screen, telling you about "issues" while you wonder if that thing on his head is a dead ferret?

No more. We'll have commercials so entertaining you'll actually want to get out and vote. Talking babies will emphasize our candidate's views on tax reform. The "Pants On The Ground" guy will sing about our candidate's stand on health care legislation. And scantily clad women will say our candidate's name over and over for a full 30 seconds while eating giant cheeseburgers, a marketing strategy that works, according to tests on college students and homeless people.

Of course, with this newly won freedom of speech comes great responsibility. We can't shout, "Fire!" in a crowded theater. No, first, we must get a House member whose campaign we backed to introduce legislation to require fireproof wall paneling, preferably made by ProBizNEX, in every theater in the nation. The fireproof wall paneling, by law, will have to be installed with high-quality industrial drill bits, just like those produced by ProBizNEX. This will require a substantial capital investment by the nation's theater chains, but various financial institutions, especially those with ties to ProBizNEX, stand by ready and willing to help. But those institutions, concerned with the skyrocketing childhood-obesity rate, must ask the nation's theater chains, as responsible corporate citizens, to replace all their sugary sodas with new low-calorie Soy-Rocket sports drink. House members who oppose the legislation will find themselves linked to an Islamic terrorist group by a talking baby during a 60-second commercial at halftime of the Super Bowl.

Then we can shout, "Fire!" in a crowded theater, because that's our gosh-darn right.

With this ruling, we at ProBizNEX look forward to exercising not just our freedom of speech but all of our rights, including the right to bear arms through our newly established morale-booster, "Bring Your Gun To Work Day." (All disgruntled employees will be discouraged from participating in "Bring Your Gun To Work Day.")

And we're big fans of the Fourth Amendment - protection from unreasonable search and seizure - because if anyone got a look at what's in Simmons' file cabinet, we'd all be showering with Bernie Madoff.

So, to sum it up, if you like talking babies and fireproof theaters, the Supreme Court ruling is good for you and really, really good for us. This has been a message from Tad Hardrock, corporate spokesperson and vice president of synergy for ProBizNEX, a subsidiary of the Xiang Wah Group, a division of PhlimPhlam International. And now, back to that blithering idiot.

-- which, you must agree, has great potential for harm.